feeling

taking a chance, seems so unpredictable. you'll be treated as if you'll expect much for it but knowing it much deeper, well, it's not a chance. you're just special as what THEY say. whoever i wanted to be with seem so obvious. as of now that it's not a chance. well, specifically i misinterpret things.
here at work, well, i work here for personal needs of course i work so ican enhance my skills, knowledge intellectual broadening, but i've never expected to feel empty. no one to talk to. very narrow thinkings that i dont only work for that, but also to fullfill the things that i've missed, like friends or even a love from someone SPECIAL.
here i found some but they've been not that much to handle. of course some people would want someone to talk to about certain things in life, like a certain topic that they would be interested with. let me give a situation. certain group of people were talking about something that they're knowledgeable about, which i'm not. so the tendency would be i'll just shut up just grab a smoke just to feel i'm doing something so i won't be out of place. i would only speak if something i know would be related to the topic. of course you wouldn't speak with a different topic, because it would certainly show a hundred percent that you don't know what they're talking about. ok, so blah, blah, blah, blah..... until everybody would laugh and would even give their own points of view. you would feel like, ok can i go now?. it's a sudden freeze that i wouldn't know how to react.
so it's been a year, two months and twenty-three days working in the same office. well found friends, with my same reaction, don't know where to start the conversation. the same old work fairy tales, whatsoever. they would tell a topic that me, myself don't know that i would say to myself, hey i don't know that. can you feed me some knowledge. huh! good luck overmaster ly. those friends would be the people that i hangout with. so they're not just 2 but more than 2. they would open a topic about certain things, which well i would just look outside the window and say, ok so how's life overmaster ly. are you alright? well to cut it short, i don't know what they're topic is. i would just grab again a smoke and ok whatever!
well before those people found a new friend. she was the only person that i always hang out with. she's nice, she's there to talk with. but left after several months. ok, so alone again. after that found another friend and she's nice very fun to be with. we both would exagerate certain situations and laugh out loud that would others notice. then another one. she's there and the first time i saw her it was a big WOW. i don't know if she felt that too. she would say that she don't have a bf and that no one attempts to court her because she would say that she's boyinsh. but i don't find her boyish or something and that i fell for her, that me myself don't know where to start or how to deal with it. too scared to tell her because i don't want to loose our friendship and stuff.
well i find her simple, smart, beautiful and refined. she would laugh at me whenever i tell a joke. so until we go along, everything seem so right. but once i was promoted, i hardly missed her and that i wanted to see her everyday. i would think about her and send her messages just to keep in touch with her. actually there was this time that i went to her just to know how she's feeling and stuff, but she was sick. so i was worried. the most touching part there was when she wanted me to assist her to somewhere she'll be comfortable sitting. well it was touching that she embraces my hands. felt like she's my girlfriend. hehehe. whatever! that's one thing that i felt WOW!
ok so tried calling her to ask how she's feeling and what had happened when she consulted the doctor. she said that i was right. my first diagnosis with her was i think a muscle got stuck or something. well i'm searching for the words inside my head. so i'm pretty flattered not because of i was right with my diagnosis but she thanked me and she appreciates me in calling her and asking how she feels.
after several days, nights i've received her email indicating a certain problem that she has now. it's something spiritual and a matter of monsters and ghosts. she said that she was haunted by some spirit maniac being. so i said yeah right are you kidding me. well definitely it is so true. so i began to worry and told her several things that she could do to protect herself. it's scary and nerve breaking to experience what she's experiencing. well somehow she's feeling alright.
yesterday i found out on this blog about the journal that she had created. i've read the most recent one that she had created. she was indicating about a guy a year younger to her that is falling in love to her. actually she said on that journal that she already forsees what that guy is feeling. hmmmm, i wonder if she could also sense what i feel for her. well, i guess not, because i'm numb. i don't even show to her what i'm feeling and as if she's gonna notice it. i'm wondering when will be the auspicious time for me to tell her how much i like her. well time can tell and i really need an auspicious sign for that. i just opened an email account and this account has a free astrology thing on the main page and just wanna share what was stated on my horoscope. here:
"You feel the waves start to settle down inside you. The celestial weather is an auspicious sign for your journey, so don't hesitate to take the first step. Whether your travels are internal or external, you can anticipate a day of smooth sailing. This is a good time to make those difficult decisions you've been putting off. Your head is clear, and your thoughts are focused. Tonight, bring along at least one other person to make it a honeymoon."
well is it a coincidence or it's telling me something that i should act now! who knows.

rolling my life

well this is not just an ordinary day that i have been through, actually what the hell am i doing here? it's been years that i've been searching for an answer to these questions that i have: (1) is it selfish if you're not married or you did not love somebody, and your reason is, it's not yet your priority; (2) if there's someone that i can turn to would it be a friend, family or just myself; (3) why can't i have a better relationship with my friends; theses questions have been circling around my head and kept wondering what's my problem. yeah personally i'm a loner, i'm not the kind of person that interacts with people. i don't know, perhaps i'm scared to be humiliated, i have nothing to burst out, i don't know where i'll start the conversation and stuff like that. i felt that i've been left behind and a very chicken shit to face once challenge. a friend of mine told me about the first question i've listed. she said that it'll not be considered as selfish. why? well it's because it's not yet your time and you won't push through love if it's not yet your priority and love strikes anywhere and anytime that me myself won't notice until love strikes.

in what my friend says, partially it answered my question, but i'm looking for a deeper answer. i'm not saying it's nonsense or illogical. i wanted to have a deeper meaning of what my question is. still confused on how it'll be understood.

well what matters to me now is that i'm growing much older. i still don't have anybody, specifically, a friend and a significant other. i kept wondering what's the feeling? well i can tell if i already have her.

one more thing that a friend told me. she said that when you love somebody, you'll take all the risks. either you'll be humiliated or whatsoever.... she added that if you love somebody it's not all about money, fame, physical attribute or things that we can see, but what we can feel. actually, this friend of mine is a critical thinker. she likes to have debates in certain aspects of life. i kept asking her these questions that i have just to find logical answers that me myself can't be satisfied with my own answer.

actually this friend that i'm talking about is a friend back in college. yeah, i fell in love with her. but she fell in love with another guy. it was once in her bday when i saw them, holding hands, sitting close to that guy. so i said ok this is the end. i stop. i went home and thinking, ok so she's not the right one, or is it because i don't drive, i don't use to hangout with friends and stuff. i'm dumb, and all of the bad adjectives have been thought by myself, just looking for the reason why didn't i.

after a long time, we did not see each other again. i sway away to see her, i make excuses jsut to get away from the humiliation that me myself know. until she left and transferred to another school. we did not see each other again and never thought of seeing her again. some of my colleagues would tease me and remind me about her. well for 2 years i've learned to forget her. until suddenly after graduating and after i have found a job. she found me. well i could not resist to meet her. well because it's really hard to forget somebody that you'd loved. and thinking for a CHANCE!

we met at the cafe, we talked about everything, until she would say that they're planning to get married, ah ok so telling myself ,"is this a slap on the face or what?". didn't mind, thought of anything else and controlled my mind to stop that CHANCE thing. well actually the way that we talked was like, something that i can't explain . she kept wanting me to meet her somewhere and hangout. until to a point that i thought she loves me. hmmmmm... she would say that it's just that she's very attached to her friends and she would even treat them as a boyfriend or something., but why is it only to me. well, i don't know if it is me that she only treats like that or i MISINTERPRET things. i don't know. i don't know what to say, think and what to do.

well what the hell. as what they say, not all things always leads to a specific way. gets? well you''ll understand.