rolling my life
well this is not just an ordinary day that i have been through, actually what the hell am i doing here? it's been years that i've been searching for an answer to these questions that i have: (1) is it selfish if you're not married or you did not love somebody, and your reason is, it's not yet your priority; (2) if there's someone that i can turn to would it be a friend, family or just myself; (3) why can't i have a better relationship with my friends; theses questions have been circling around my head and kept wondering what's my problem. yeah personally i'm a loner, i'm not the kind of person that interacts with people. i don't know, perhaps i'm scared to be humiliated, i have nothing to burst out, i don't know where i'll start the conversation and stuff like that. i felt that i've been left behind and a very chicken shit to face once challenge. a friend of mine told me about the first question i've listed. she said that it'll not be considered as selfish. why? well it's because it's not yet your time and you won't push through love if it's not yet your priority and love strikes anywhere and anytime that me myself won't notice until love strikes.
in what my friend says, partially it answered my question, but i'm looking for a deeper answer. i'm not saying it's nonsense or illogical. i wanted to have a deeper meaning of what my question is. still confused on how it'll be understood.
well what matters to me now is that i'm growing much older. i still don't have anybody, specifically, a friend and a significant other. i kept wondering what's the feeling? well i can tell if i already have her.
one more thing that a friend told me. she said that when you love somebody, you'll take all the risks. either you'll be humiliated or whatsoever.... she added that if you love somebody it's not all about money, fame, physical attribute or things that we can see, but what we can feel. actually, this friend of mine is a critical thinker. she likes to have debates in certain aspects of life. i kept asking her these questions that i have just to find logical answers that me myself can't be satisfied with my own answer.
actually this friend that i'm talking about is a friend back in college. yeah, i fell in love with her. but she fell in love with another guy. it was once in her bday when i saw them, holding hands, sitting close to that guy. so i said ok this is the end. i stop. i went home and thinking, ok so she's not the right one, or is it because i don't drive, i don't use to hangout with friends and stuff. i'm dumb, and all of the bad adjectives have been thought by myself, just looking for the reason why didn't i.
after a long time, we did not see each other again. i sway away to see her, i make excuses jsut to get away from the humiliation that me myself know. until she left and transferred to another school. we did not see each other again and never thought of seeing her again. some of my colleagues would tease me and remind me about her. well for 2 years i've learned to forget her. until suddenly after graduating and after i have found a job. she found me. well i could not resist to meet her. well because it's really hard to forget somebody that you'd loved. and thinking for a CHANCE!
we met at the cafe, we talked about everything, until she would say that they're planning to get married, ah ok so telling myself ,"is this a slap on the face or what?". didn't mind, thought of anything else and controlled my mind to stop that CHANCE thing. well actually the way that we talked was like, something that i can't explain . she kept wanting me to meet her somewhere and hangout. until to a point that i thought she loves me. hmmmmm... she would say that it's just that she's very attached to her friends and she would even treat them as a boyfriend or something., but why is it only to me. well, i don't know if it is me that she only treats like that or i MISINTERPRET things. i don't know. i don't know what to say, think and what to do.
well what the hell. as what they say, not all things always leads to a specific way. gets? well you''ll understand.
in what my friend says, partially it answered my question, but i'm looking for a deeper answer. i'm not saying it's nonsense or illogical. i wanted to have a deeper meaning of what my question is. still confused on how it'll be understood.
well what matters to me now is that i'm growing much older. i still don't have anybody, specifically, a friend and a significant other. i kept wondering what's the feeling? well i can tell if i already have her.
one more thing that a friend told me. she said that when you love somebody, you'll take all the risks. either you'll be humiliated or whatsoever.... she added that if you love somebody it's not all about money, fame, physical attribute or things that we can see, but what we can feel. actually, this friend of mine is a critical thinker. she likes to have debates in certain aspects of life. i kept asking her these questions that i have just to find logical answers that me myself can't be satisfied with my own answer.
actually this friend that i'm talking about is a friend back in college. yeah, i fell in love with her. but she fell in love with another guy. it was once in her bday when i saw them, holding hands, sitting close to that guy. so i said ok this is the end. i stop. i went home and thinking, ok so she's not the right one, or is it because i don't drive, i don't use to hangout with friends and stuff. i'm dumb, and all of the bad adjectives have been thought by myself, just looking for the reason why didn't i.
after a long time, we did not see each other again. i sway away to see her, i make excuses jsut to get away from the humiliation that me myself know. until she left and transferred to another school. we did not see each other again and never thought of seeing her again. some of my colleagues would tease me and remind me about her. well for 2 years i've learned to forget her. until suddenly after graduating and after i have found a job. she found me. well i could not resist to meet her. well because it's really hard to forget somebody that you'd loved. and thinking for a CHANCE!
we met at the cafe, we talked about everything, until she would say that they're planning to get married, ah ok so telling myself ,"is this a slap on the face or what?". didn't mind, thought of anything else and controlled my mind to stop that CHANCE thing. well actually the way that we talked was like, something that i can't explain . she kept wanting me to meet her somewhere and hangout. until to a point that i thought she loves me. hmmmmm... she would say that it's just that she's very attached to her friends and she would even treat them as a boyfriend or something., but why is it only to me. well, i don't know if it is me that she only treats like that or i MISINTERPRET things. i don't know. i don't know what to say, think and what to do.
well what the hell. as what they say, not all things always leads to a specific way. gets? well you''ll understand.
posted by ly at 1:46 PM
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